I Lost a Friend Yesterday

My friend and colleague Bishop Jerry Roy passed away unexpectedly yesterday. He was quite likely the most interesting man I have ever known, with a diverse background that created a man who was kind, but not weak; strong yet gentle, and he an instinctive compassion that seemed to arise from the core of his being at the slightest hint of someone in pain or need. Such men are often forged in lives of service and sacrifice that are not always easy, but you seldom hear them complain about it. I suspect, but do not know, that the Jerry I knew was a very different man than the young Jerry. I suppose that’s true of most of us.

Unexpected death is always shocking, of course. I have noticed, however, that no matter the circumstances of someone’s passing those left behind tend to express a desire that it was otherwise. I suspect that is a very natural resistance to the whole idea of the passing of someone who is loved. Even when death is slow and drawn out, it still comes as a shock to those who care about the person. Our clergy group had our regular biweekly zoom call on Saturday and Jerry was in attendance, full of vigor and stories – including one in which he shared with us that his neighbor, through acts of kindness after finding out that Jerry was seventy-two years old, had decided Jerry was frail and so extended acts of kindness such as shoveling Jerry’s sidewalk. Jerry chuckled as he told us he wasn’t sure how he felt about being treated like an old man. If there was one thing Jerry was not, it was decrepit.

I spoke much of the day yesterday with other friends and colleagues about our loss. Some of the most poignant comments began, “I wish I had told him…” On the one hand, such comments should serve as reminders to not leave important things unsaid. Even if we are young and healthy, there may be a city bus outside with our names written on it. With that being said, I think Jerry was aware of everything that was left unsaid – not because we become omniscient at death, though we might. I believe Jerry knew because he had a way of knowing what the people around him felt and experienced. That compassion of his that ran so deeply placed him in an equally deep communion with the people he encountered, their struggles, and their feelings.

For me, Jerry’s legacy will be that compassion and his patience. When I was (not much) younger, I suffered from a profound lack patience. It often amazed me how patient Jerry was. He had the gift of making people feel as if he always had time for them, even when I found myself in the corner muttering in frustration. Jerry understood that the greatest gift was time. I know in my life it is easy to feel as if there isn’t enough time, but I am learning that is a misperception rooted in our own sense of self importance. When I grow up, I want to be like Jerry. We all should.

Civil Discourse

As anyone who has been even remotely aware of the current election cycle is only too aware, civil discourse seems to be a thing of the past in America. Gone are the days when we could agree to disagree and still be friends. The old joke about the note in the margin of Image result for angry discoursethe preacher’s sermon text (“point weak, pound pulpit here”) seems to have been adapted by the public at large. Somewhere along the way it became the case that volume is more important than facts or reasoning. This will only change if and when we decide to change it, and we must begin by changing ourselves.

We must be gentle with ourselves and others. That includes being gentle about what we allow ourselves to take in via the media. So-called “Reality TV” is nothing more that drivel that conditions us to believe that poor behavior is acceptable and entertaining. Stop watching it and it will go away. Never speak when angry. Consider what you are going to say before you say it and ask yourself the three big questions:

  1. Is it kind?
  2. Is it true?
  3. Is it necessary?

If you can’t answer all three questions with “yes,” don’t say it.

Save every email you write for at least an hour, then reread it. If you still think it meets the above three criteria, then push “send.” Don’t air your dirty laundry on social media, and don’t believe what you read on the Internet without finding external verification. Limit your television time, read books instead, and go for a walk. These few simple steps can make a very big difference!