true selfWhen we are born, we are our true selves. By the time we can communicate, we start becoming someone else so that we can please others. The problem is that our true selves get buried more and more deeply with each presentation of who we imagine others want us to be. The bigger problem is that we will never be happy pretending to be someone we are not.  Nobody can thrive living in a closet.

When I was a child it was quite popular for grown ups to ask children what they wanted to be when they grew up. Over time when that question was asked the adults started to shape our answers. When we were four years old, it was fine to want to be a cowboy. By the time we were twelve the cowboy answer was discouraged if we lived in the city. Gradually, who we wanted to be wasn’t who we wanted to be at all, but rather who everybody else thought we should be.

To move toward reclaiming your true self, the first step is to discover who your true self is. We need to ask ourselves questions like, “What do want to do right now?” You may well find it’s hard to do that at first, but over time we bet better at it. Eventually we gain enough confidence not only to identify what we want and don’t want, but also to communicate that truth to others. That really is very liberating, and the first step to becoming who you really are!

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Enough is Enough

Spiritual teachers, no matter the tradition, should never be sexually involved with their students. Period.

karma-sakyong-mipham-buddhism-waylon-lewis_629

And it’s about to slap the Sakyong on his ass big time.

Spiritual teachers who are sexually involved with their students are not, in fact, qualified to be spiritual teachers.

The notion that one can be partially enlightened but somehow not have that awakening reach their genitals and attitudes toward women is nothing other than absurd apologetics for rapists and an ill disguised attempt to help them avoid responsibility for their actions.

You cannot be awakened and a perpetrator of violence at the same time. You cannot be awakened and commit crimes against at risk populations at the same time. You cannot be awakened while at the same time making excuses for your bad behavior.

Is it clear yet?

 

 

What Really Matters…

I have spent a good part of my life studying spiritual belief systems and religious traditions, as well as psychology. As you might imagine, more has been said and writtenJesus Use Me about these things than any one person could read in one lifetime. Even if a person did manage to read everything that might be read and closed the cover on the last book just as they breathed their last breath, they wouldn’t have had time to integrate what they had learned into any kind of organized system.

There is no shortage of people who are only too happy to take advantage of this truth. They try to sell us a prepackaged system of belief, and do so by hoping to convince us that theirs is the only true system. The funny thing is that when you start to examine all the different belief systems that people employ you discover that they agree more often than they disagree.

The short version is that we all need to find a way to make sense of our lives and our world. If the way we do that stops working for us, we need to change it. None of us need to share the same way of seeing the world, but if our view are too divergent from the great majority we may need to reevaluate our beliefs. The truth is that what we believe is far less important than that we believe. Anyone who tries to tell you something different is trying to manipulate you. Don’t listen to them.

Rationalism, Logic, and Reality

I-believe-that-not-everything-needs-an-explanatioMany people believe that everything can be explained. I reject that idea. I am willing to accept that all mechanical processes can ultimately be explained – but how much of life is mechanical? Is love mechanical? Is childbirth mechanical? Is death mechanical? Is the feeling we experience at a great concert mechanical? The current tendency to want to reduce everything to something that can be explained is little more than self-deception. It is a product of fear of the unknown.

The truth is that we will never be truly happy until we can make peace with the fact that there are many things we do not understand, and some of those things are the best part of life. In trying to explain them away, we reduce life to a two-dimensional misery that sends us in search of something (substances, sex, control, power over another) to give life a false depth that fools us into believing everything is within our control and understanding. Better to actually experience and live life than to miss it out of fear!

Genitals

Nobody who is remembered for something they did with their genitals is remembered well. We seem to imagine that an orgasm will make us happy, but if that was true it would matter whether the orgasm was achieved when we were alone or in the middle of a Rolling Stones concert. The vast majority of our sexual bafoonery takes place when we try to self-medicate with sex. It doesn’t work.

God: No Test, No Plan!

I know I have written about this before, but since the whole world apparently doesn’t follow my blog so it needs to be covered again. Please share this freely, it is so very important…

If you know someone who is suffering for any reason and they tell you about it, there are some things you should never say. Certain segments of religion, primarily Christianity, have developed some pat answers for such situations. While these little tidbits of advice are often offered by well-meaning people, they are horrifying. These ideas are terribly bad theology, and they are nothing anyone should ever say to someone they care about. They are popular things to say because we are uncomfortable with hearing people express their emotions, especially if those emotions are painful. Here they are:

karlinbed1. “God is testing you.” Equally bad is its corollary, “God has a plan.” Here is what the person hears when you say either of those: God is really just messing with you right now for God’s entertainment. Your pain and your suffering are just entertainment for God, who may or may not relent at some point, depending on how God’s mood swings. You need to just shut up and put up with it, or it is proof you don’t have faith. I am frankly amazed that more people spouting this tripe don’t lose friends over it. A God who would mess with people for his own amusement would be a terrorist and no God at all. Someone who is suffering is in distress, and your cheerful willingness to identify God as the source of their distress is not only profoundly insensitive but it also has the potential of taking away from them any solace their faith may provide in difficult moments! When you cast God as a kind of cosmic Pol Pot rather than a loving God of comfort, you may well take away the only resource they have left.

2. “God won’t give you more than you can handle.” I hate to break it to you, but the person already has more than they can handle or they wouldn’t be suffering! What’s more, the next verse finishes the thought and says that God will provide the suffering person the resources they need to make it through. Here’s a newsflash – that resource is partly you, but if you are shutting down the suffering person with one of these terrible little truisms then you are in no position to be a helpful resource! In fact, you are actually inflicting harm by indirectly telling the person you don’t care to listen to them.

A Better Approach

1. Close mouth, open ears. What a suffering person needs most of all is for people to listen and understand. What’s more, the truth is that we really don’t have the resources to fix the person’s problem anyway – but we can listen.  We can also empathize, we can say we understand what they are saying, we can say things like “that must be hard.” What we shouldn’t do is pretend that we know their experience, unless we have had that same o-comforting-a-friend-facebookexperience ourselves. If our friend says something we don’t understand, we can ask for clarification. In short, we can be supportive while not being dismissive; listen without feeling compelled to offer explanations or to fix anything.

2. Get used to talking about feelings with someone you trust. It’s the best practice for those moments when a friend or loved one comes to us in their suffering. Also, know that if you are listening to someone who is suffering and it gets to be too much, it’s perfectly alright to say you need to take a break for a few minutes.

3. Practice sitting in a room with someone you trust without either of you speaking. This is great practice for being with someone who just needs company but doesn’t feel like talking. When we are suffering, we all have times when we just don’t want to be alone but also don’t want to talk about it. Americans are used to sitting in silence with someone, but it’s a great skill to develop. It might help to imagine you are in a library.

4. Give yourself permission to be imperfect. None of us handle these situations perfectly. We all make mistakes. When you make a mistake, don’t be afraid to say so. Your friend will appreciate your honesty. What’s important is making the effort! Your friend will be glad you did, and so will you!

What Price Awakening?

One of the biggest problems we in the west have is a profound lack of altruism, and our spiritual communities and traditions are no exception. I laughed a few weeks ago when I received an email from a nationally known group that holds initiation rituals for men. Citing the truth that we have lost much needed authentic initiation rituals in our culture, the email then went on to offer a program that was priced out of reach of the vast majority of young people!

While there are notable exceptions to this rule, they are few and far between. I do believe people need to earn a living, but it seems that many of these programs are created to build financial wealth for the leaders rather than to serve people. If my primary motivation is to turn a buck, that fact won’t be lost on the participants – and it will show in my results.

Busy?

Do you find that you never seem to have much, or any, down time? Are you involved in so many activities that it’s hard to keep track of them all? Do you sometimes double-book activities and discover you are supposed to be two places at once?

More importantly, what do you do when you have free time? Do you have any? When you have nothing to do, how does it feel? Do you feel the need to fill that time with an activity? When you walk in you home, do you turn the radio or TV on even if you don’t intend to watch it? How does silence feel to you?

Many people who schedule every moment of their time with an activity are in reality running away from something. They are driven to run and do because on a deep level they are afraid of what might come up if they slowed down. At times like that, a spiritual guide or therapist can help us sort out what’s really going on. The result is that we actually feel better, enjoy the things we choose to do, but no longer feel compelled to keep running. Cilontact me if you would like to chat.