I have been seeing articles lately, mostly aimed at millennials, declaring that this summer or this year is lost. I confess that I am mystified by this feeling, though I am not unfamiliar with it. In fact, I hear similar things from my thirty something daughter all the time. The summer is lost because the pools may not open, festivals are cancelled, concerts aren’t happening, and all manner of interruptions are taking place in an effort to mitigate the impact of the corona virus. In places where those precautions aren’t being taken the number of cases are rapidly rising, just as the experts predicted they would – imagine that!
We tend to confuse what is typical or what is normal with what is mandatory. Just because things most often play out in a certain way doesn’t mean that is the only way our lives can unfold. Most of us have likely seen a DVD of a popular movie that included alternate endings. Suppose that a movie was released to theaters with different endings that were randomly chosen. Would that mean that people who saw the second ending didn’t see that movie and had wasted their time and money going to the theater? Would it mean they had never seen the movie?
Life unfolds in ways that are often unpredictable. That’s what keeps it interesting. I once watched a movie with a friend who had seen that movie six times. For some reason they thought I would enjoy it if they continually told me what would happen next. They were like a talking, popcorn munching spoiler. I finally had to tell them to shut up or turn the movie off because knowing what would happen next took all the fun out of the movie! Life is the same way. Knowing what’s coming next may keep us safe from unpleasant surprises, but it keeps us safe from the pleasant ones, too!
Whatever happens this summer, trust that life will unfold just the way it is supposed to unfold, even if that is very different from previous years. Decide to enjoy the unusual rather than bemoan missing your thirty-fourth Phish concert. Think of the rest of this year as an adventure, because that is what it is. Celebrate the break from routine and look for the new and the positive. I promise you that what you look for is what you get. That means you ultimately decide whether this year is wasted or lost – and you are the only one you can blame for the outcome!
Sometimes, the pain – whether physical, emotional, or psychological – is too much. Despite all of our best intentions and determination, the thought of moving forward is overwhelming. We have listened to doctors, therapists, teachers, and gurus who have all told us that we must press on, but in this moment we feel absolutely exhausted and about to embark on the longest endurance race imaginable and our gas tank is empty. All of the advertising slogans spring into our minds. Just do it, when the going gets tough the tough get going, no pain no gain, on and on they drone beating us down even further even as we scream at them to just be quiet.
At moments like these, listen to yourself. Above all, don’t listen to advertising or personal trainers. Don’t do what your friends did in a similar situation because you are not your friends. We all have different specific needs, but we all have a similar need to treat ourselves well and be gentle with our minds and bodies.
A few years back during the fiftieth Super Bowl halftime show they limped out the most valuable player from every Super Bowl. Every last one who had been retired more than five years could barely walk. This is what happens when we refuse to listen to our bodies and continue trying to run through brick walls. A similar, though less visible and likely more damaging, thing happens to our psyches when we try to run through mental and emotional walls.
It quite simply isn’t worth the price we pay when we deceive ourselves about our abilities. Listen to your body and listen to your mind, and slow down before it starts to hurt. If the pain has already started, stop and treat yourself with gentleness and nurturance. Take a bath, soak in a hot tub, go for a walk and connect with nature, pet your dog or cat or partner, breathe deeply, clear your schedule, and do it all with great attention, feeling, and gentleness. Repeat as needed. Whatever issues you may be facing will wait for you. Life is not a race. Allow yourself to heal. It has never been more important.
Many people have one or more chronic concerns. These may be things from their personal or health history, newly arisen medical issues, or simply things they worry about. If I had a nickel for every person who described themselves to me as a “worrier,” I’d have a lot of nickels. Other people believe that if they go to the doctor to ask about an issue that’s been troubling them that the doctor might diagnose the problem and then it will become “real.” Children often believe there is a monster under their bed and as long as they don’t look the monster will stay there and not harm them.
Of all the people listed in the last paragraph, only children get a break. It is developmentally appropriate for children to engage in magical thinking. Adults, not so much – yet that truth doesn’t seem to stop adults from trying to protect themselves by using magical thinking. That magical thinking is quite harmful, as cancers continue to spread and psychological dysfunctions continue to grow as we hide out for fear that a diagnosis is the thing that makes us sick. Rationally, we know that is absurd (I hope), but our rational minds aren’t always in control. An African American friend tells me that his black friends won’t go to see a therapist because they believe that doing so will mean that they are “crazy.” In truth, that belief reflects a lot more on their mental status than any trip to the therapist ever could.
One thing is certain – whatever the issue might be, waiting to get it checked out doesn’t solve a problem. Suppose nothing is wrong. Would you feel better knowing that? Suppose something is wrong? You will feel better beginning a course of treatment. It’s a no-lose situation. Make that appointment today!
Every generation seems to feel compelled to say the next generation is doing everything wrong and the world is going to hell in a handbasket. Despite that, the world goes on. If we examine things objectively, we see that what changes are the circumstances and details, not the outcomes. The world moves along and new problems do arise, but the ones left over from the previous generation get solved by the next.
What if the real issue is twofold? What if we complain about the next generation because (1) we don’t want to admit we didn’t have all the answers, either, and (2) we just don’t like change?
A Bridge Too Far is a World War II movie about an Allied offensive that tried, as the title
implies, to go a bit too far. Released in 1977, I loved this movie – but I probably wasn’t aware of all of the reasons I loved it. Elliott Gould was definitely not one of the reasons I loved it. For those too young to know, Elliott Gould was an earlier incarnation of Jeff Goldbloom – the kind of guy some women seem to love, but who most men would prefer to bitch slap until he cries, force him to wear a tutu, and then make him get us a beer. I digress, however.
Those of us who are trauma survivors are only too aware of the mentality that launched this offensive in WWII. In fact, if we could go back in time and examine the histories of those who pushed these kinds of overly ambitious plans into action, I would wager we would find more than a few trauma survivors among them. In a much more pedestrian way, those of us in civilian life who have endured trauma frequently push ourselves toward a bridge too far, failing to respect our limits because we have been taught to ignore them. If taking the dog for a two mile walk is good, then taking her for a four mile walk is twice as good, and an eight mile walk even better. Never mind that after eight miles our feet (and quite possibly the dog’s) will be blistered and bloodied. Never mind that we will be so stiff the next morning that we will walk as if we’ve spent the night riding a horse.
Trauma survivors tend to be disconnected from our bodies in varying degrees because we have been taught that bodies and feelings don’t matter. Only appeasing our abusers mattered. I sailed through basic training because no matter how many screaming lunatics in military uniforms and smokey the bear hats you lined up, they had nothing on my family of origin. In fact, they reminded me of Elliott Gould. As I see it, the biggest problems for trauma survivors as they move through life is that (1) we don’t respect ourselves, and (2) because of that we are easily manipulated.
When you are in your twenties you may be able to literally run through walls, but by your forties you start bouncing off them. We may not respect our limits, but at a certain point in our life cycle the universe starts enforcing them. Wherever we are on life’s journey, now is the time to start listening to our bodies and our feelings. If we don’t know how, a good therapist can help us. Living life while disconnected is not living a full life. In fact, it will make us reach for A Bridge Too Far.
It is, in fact, all fun and games until someone loses an eye. On the other hand, you don’t see a lot of one-eyed non-pirates running around, so you’re probably good. Moms can be such a buzz-kill.
If we take a good look at ourselves and are honest about it, there may be a number of old messages still lingering in our minds that prevent us from living fully. We can learn to let go of those messages. A good first step is testing the sensibility of the message, whatever it might be. Is it likely to happen? Has it happened to anyone you know? Have you ever heard of it happening to anyone. If not, let it go.
Do you find that you never seem to have much, or any, down time? Are you involved in so many activities that it’s hard to keep track of them all? Do you sometimes double-book activities and discover you are supposed to be two places at once?
More importantly, what do you do when you have free time? Do you have any? When you have nothing to do, how does it feel? Do you feel the need to fill that time with an activity? When you walk in you home, do you turn the radio or TV on even if you don’t intend to watch it? How does silence feel to you?
Many people who schedule every moment of their time with an activity are in reality running away from something. They are driven to run and do because on a deep level they are afraid of what might come up if they slowed down. At times like that, a spiritual guide or therapist can help us sort out what’s really going on. The result is that we actually feel better, enjoy the things we choose to do, but no longer feel compelled to keep running. Cilontact me if you would like to chat.