When we are born, we are our true selves. By the time we can communicate, we start becoming someone else so that we can please others. The problem is that our true selves get buried more and more deeply with each presentation of who we imagine others want us to be. The bigger problem is that we will never be happy pretending to be someone we are not. Nobody can thrive living in a closet.
When I was a child it was quite popular for grown ups to ask children what they wanted to be when they grew up. Over time when that question was asked the adults started to shape our answers. When we were four years old, it was fine to want to be a cowboy. By the time we were twelve the cowboy answer was discouraged if we lived in the city. Gradually, who we wanted to be wasn’t who we wanted to be at all, but rather who everybody else thought we should be.
To move toward reclaiming your true self, the first step is to discover who your true self is. We need to ask ourselves questions like, “What do I want to do right now?” You may well find it’s hard to do that at first, but over time we bet better at it. Eventually we gain enough confidence not only to identify what we want and don’t want, but also to communicate that truth to others. That really is very liberating, and the first step to becoming who you really are!
Spiritual teachers, no matter the tradition, should never be sexually involved with their students. Period.
And it’s about to slap the Sakyong on his ass big time.
Spiritual teachers who are sexually involved with their students are not, in fact, qualified to be spiritual teachers.
The notion that one can be partially enlightened but somehow not have that awakening reach their genitals and attitudes toward women is nothing other than absurd apologetics for rapists and an ill disguised attempt to help them avoid responsibility for their actions.
You cannot be awakened and a perpetrator of violence at the same time. You cannot be awakened and commit crimes against at risk populations at the same time. You cannot be awakened while at the same time making excuses for your bad behavior.
Is it clear yet?
Most of us, I would even venture to say all of us, have been told things about ourselves that are not true. Sometimes we were told these things due to an honest mistake. Other times people wanted to manipulate us or to get their way. Some of us have encountered evil personified, a person wanting to do damage to us for reasons that are not clear. Even if those reasons were clear, they would not be sufficient to justify what happened to us.
The way out of this lies in the old adage that the truth will set you free. By asking ourselves some questions about what was said, we can begin to move through our pain toward healing. We might ask ourselves, “Is what was said true?” Even if we believed it was true at the time, from today’s perspective we may well see that what was said was not true. If it was true, we then should ask ourselves, “So what?” In other words, is this truth really something bad? In my case, I was repeatedly and drunkenly told that my problem was that I was a “goddamn adolescent.” In point of fact, I was an adolescent. The statement was true, but the rage and accusatory tone with which it was delivered was not justified by the truth that I was an adolescent. Neither were the seemingly endless hours it was repeated at full volume, with great regularity, for hours in a drunken rage at our family dinner table.
Often times we need the help of a trained counselor to help us with this work. We need to see that there was no substance to our “crimes,” and to stop believing the people accusing us were in any way right. I would even say we need to come to the place where we see no merit whatsoever in that person’s opinion so we can begin the hard work of deciding who we really are. It’s a long road, but it begins with the truth – which will set us free!
I have spent a good part of my life studying spiritual belief systems and religious traditions, as well as psychology. As you might imagine, more has been said and written about these things than any one person could read in one lifetime. Even if a person did manage to read everything that might be read and closed the cover on the last book just as they breathed their last breath, they wouldn’t have had time to integrate what they had learned into any kind of organized system.
There is no shortage of people who are only too happy to take advantage of this truth. They try to sell us a prepackaged system of belief, and do so by hoping to convince us that theirs is the only true system. The funny thing is that when you start to examine all the different belief systems that people employ you discover that they agree more often than they disagree.
The short version is that we all need to find a way to make sense of our lives and our world. If the way we do that stops working for us, we need to change it. None of us need to share the same way of seeing the world, but if our view are too divergent from the great majority we may need to reevaluate our beliefs. The truth is that what we believe is far less important than that we believe. Anyone who tries to tell you something different is trying to manipulate you. Don’t listen to them.
Many people believe that everything can be explained. I reject that idea. I am willing to accept that all mechanical processes can ultimately be explained – but how much of life is mechanical? Is love mechanical? Is childbirth mechanical? Is death mechanical? Is the feeling we experience at a great concert mechanical? The current tendency to want to reduce everything to something that can be explained is little more than self-deception. It is a product of fear of the unknown.
The truth is that we will never be truly happy until we can make peace with the fact that there are many things we do not understand, and some of those things are the best part of life. In trying to explain them away, we reduce life to a two-dimensional misery that sends us in search of something (substances, sex, control, power over another) to give life a false depth that fools us into believing everything is within our control and understanding. Better to actually experience and live life than to miss it out of fear!
The other day, someone jokingly said to me that they were sure my wife had already “paid” me many times for something. While this person didn’t mean anything by their comment, they displayed western culture’s problem with intimacy in one short sentence. The implication was that she has had sex with me (an interesting assumption unless they have propped a ladder up against the outside of our home and peered through the window) and that sexual intimacy constitutes some sort of token economy by which couples transact business. Let’s examine that briefly.
Implying that sexual intimacy constitutes some sort of financial transaction rather than something both parties enjoy and that deepens their relationship with and commitment to each other implies that women prostitute themselves to their sex partners so that their partners will do what they want at some point in the future. That isn’t about intimacy at all. If you feel like you have to lay there while some sweaty person lays on top of you for three or four minutes, do that person a favor. Get out, or get to relationship counseling. You might also prepare yourself for the reality that since everyone needs intimacy, you rather lose the right to complain if your partner seeks it elsewhere.
The problem with relationships is they ask us to trust someone else, and that opens the door to being hurt. This leads some people to choose not to trust (and quite often to be control freaks), the result of which is those people hurt themselves through the stunted life they lead. The self-protection of attempting to control others is a destructive illusion that precludes healthy relationships. You are either in or out, there is no such thing as an authentic, halfway relationship.
People sometimes say to me, “I let my wife do this or that,” as if they deserve a cookie for “allowing” another adult to make a choice to meet a need they have.
Let’s be clear: no adult needs “permission” from any other adult to do anything. We “allow” children to do things, but if we believe we have the right to deny allow another adult to exercise their free will then we have become a manipulative, pathetic excuse for a partner – in fact, such behavior is abusive. Here’s the lesson: other people do not exist to make you happy. Believing that’s the case is narcissism.
Nobody who is remembered for something they did with their genitals is remembered well. We seem to imagine that an orgasm will make us happy, but if that was true it would matter whether the orgasm was achieved when we were alone or in the middle of a Rolling Stones concert. The vast majority of our sexual bafoonery takes place when we try to self-medicate with sex. It doesn’t work.
As we work for the change that will, hopefully, make things the way they should be we also live in the world of the way things are. The change we wait for may be a long time coming, and so we must ask ourselves how we are to live today in the world we have in front of us.