I mean it. Just do it. Have fun. Do the same if you are in an open relationship. As long as your partner or partners and the sheep in your pasture are okay with it, I say go for it! Why? How can I say that? I really don’t want to get your puritan panties in a twist, though I’m not opposed to the idea if you enjoy it, but I honestly believe that we have wasted more spiritual time and energy pontificating about our own sexual hangups and projecting said hangups onto the Divine than any other spiritual or ethical topic, and every last second of that time has been wasted. Why? Because there is no scriptural reason to believe God is nearly as interested in our genital tangos as we are. There are, however, dozens of things God does seem to care about that we completely disregard in favor of who might be getting busy with whom tonight.

Do you treat other people well? Do you embezzle money at the office, beat your kids, lie to your partner, have plenty to eat but never share it with anyone no matter their need, ignore your phone when you know someone is calling who needs help you could easily provide but just don’t feel inclined to do so? Do you shirk responsibility at every turn, regularly empty your stomach contents through someone’s open sunroof, collect small rodents and place them in your microwave to “teach those bastards a lesson,” never give back extra change you receive due to a cashier’s mistake, call you wife “the old lady ho,” fail to show up for appointments without bothering to cancel them, and never tip wait staff or your hair dresser or barber? Do you regularly trample over other people in your relentless climb to the top of the heap at work? If you did even one of those things but feel you are okay in God’s eyes because you always use yellow Playtex living kitchen gloves to touch yourself when using the toilet so as to avoid any misunderstandings about your motivation for said touching, you are a perfect example of the problem at hand (ahem).

If you refuse to wear a mask during a pandemic, never wash your hands after using the toilet before returning to your job in food service, delight in telling racist jokes, call people who disagree with you idiots, never give to charity, sell drugs in school zones, do whatever you can to avoid responsibility for your misdeeds, oppose the admission of refugees and political prisoners to this country because you believe they will “steal” your job scraping out the holding tanks at the wastewater treatment plant, but feel you are justified in God’s sight because you confine yourself to the missionary position, I have some bad news for you.

If this post seems ridiculous to you, I assure you it’s not. In a world where so-called religious leaders condemn dancing, playing cards, drinking alcohol, going to the movies, and intimacy of every sort as they do the very things they preach against while avoiding teachings such as the Sermon on the Mount, it’s long past time for a moratorium on hypocrisy. Imagine if they stopped prattling on about sex and started talking about love. Imagine if they became less concerned about making love and more concerned about acting in love. We might change the world.

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