We all carry a certain amount of emotional baggage. Often that baggage impacts our relationships before they even start. How can that be?

If you find yourself attracted to person after person who, it turns out, is emotionally or otherwise unavailable, then any “relationship” you believe you are engaged in is doomed from the start. For example, if you are attracted to someone who is in a committed relationship then in point of fact you may not be attracted to them but rather to their relationship status. Why? Someone who is already in a relationship is in no position to decide to take their relationship with you to the next step. If you are still attracted to them the truth may be that you find them to be “safe” because they won’t ask you for a real commitment. Many people in these scenarios begin to panic when it looks like their committed boyfriend or girlfriend might leave their partner, to the point where suddenly they aren’t attracted to them any longer!

The same is true for people who are emotionally unavailable. If you are with someone who never tells you they care about you, or who never tells you anything of any depth about themselves, or who seems relatively disinterested in you, you may actually be attracted to their emotional unavailability. You may not be ready or able to be open to anyone else and so might unconsciously be looking for someone who is in the same boat. The problem is that when either you or the other person start to get healthier and actually want an emotionally intimate relationship, the other person is likely to run away.

In the end, if you are really looking for any kind of relationship at all, you would be best to start with someone who is available on all levels. That’s not asking a lot.